How To Cope With A Sex Scandal

Just admit it.

If you confess your wrongdoings, no one can hold them against you. Otherwise, you are a target for exposure and/or blackmail.

Jessica is right: no one likes a Liar Liar Pants On Fire. And everyone likes a little bit of power, especially insane people with mean streaks.

Now, get some head shots taken.

Don’t neglect to wear makeup or brush your hair when you go out in public, because you will need as many glamour shots of you as possible to counteract every unflattering photo that will inevitably surface now that you’re “famous.”

Well, you probably don’t need head shots unless you are embroiled in a public scandal. But Jessica has a good point about being a class act in public for the immediate future. If you might run into someone you know who will be so gauche as to mention, “Wow, I saw those Facebook crazy photos of you at the bachelorette party!”, you want to do whatever it is you can do to make them feel embarrassed. The easiest way to make someone feel embarrassed is to imply they’ve just been very rude. Which, really, they have.

Start a Playboy rumor.

And a book-deal rumor, while you’re at it…[T]hese may be the only viable ways to earn a living for the next few years. Also, making some money may help you feel better about what is happening right now. You can always say, “Whatever, people may think I’m a whore, but at least I’m a published whore,” to comfort yourself whenever you’re feeling down.

Nobody will give you a book deal to write about how you made out with your manager in the restaurant’s walk-in freezer, sorry. But you can start some rumors to give yourself good PR. How about blabbing about how a Ford model scout slipped you her business card? Or you just randomly heard from the hottest guy from high school and he regrets not getting with you back in the day but you were too cool for him? (One little white lie is fine.)

Disconnect your chatty grandparents’ telephone immediately.

You don’t want reporters calling their house (they will) and taking advantage of an elderly person who doesn’t know any better. You need to circle the wagons. Tell your family to be prepared for the possibility of camera crews on their front lawns. The only thing any friend or family member should be saying about you is “No comment.”

If you’re embroiled in your own small-scale sex scandal, we doubt anyone will stoop so low as to call up your granny. But you never know. If you’re lucky enough to have relatives with chutzpah, it’s best to arm them with juicy gossip about the squealer’s kin. That way, if Busybody mentions to your mother that you were seen in public holding hands with a married man, Mom can bring up how she read in the paper Busybody’s pregnant sister got arrested for a DWI.

You can also be proactive about protecting the fam from the sordid details of your sex life by discouraging them from using Facebook, Twitter or Tumblr. There’s no reason they need so much access to your personal life, anyway.

Don’t forget to see a doctor. This is not a time for cracking up or letting yourself go. Get a check up and keep yourself healthy. And seeing a psychiatrist can’t hurt, either. They will help you put the situation into perspective—and give you meds that will help you not give a damn.